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Monday, April 9, 2012

Table Talk

Since I have not been able to consistently blog for a while and cooking has been put on the 'back burner' (no pun intended), I have decided to share what is really going on in my kitchen.  I am calling this 'Table Talk' - real sharing of real life, real heartache and real hurt.  I know that in most social situations especially at a table full of strangers it would probably not seem kosher to spill your heart and go deep.  But I also know it is usually this type of conversation that takes friendship to new levels and you often realize you are not alone as you think in whatever it is you are going through.

So, I am going to put myself out there and share what my world is really like, because at the moment that is all I have to put on the 'table' - no fancy four course dinner, just my story.  The past few years and 6 months in particular have been the hardest times of my 32 years thus far.  And I have been extremely grateful for cooking as a therapeutic outlet as well as for friends, a loving husband and faith to carry me when I have been unable to carry myself.

Almost four years ago my husband and I starting trying to's weird how as a female I never really thought much about not being able to get pregnant, but have probably been picturing myself as a mom since the age of five.  These years have opened my eyes to a world of pain, grief, sadness and helplessness that I did not know existed.  I heard it mentioned that sometimes it takes a while to get pregnant and sometimes people are not able too, but I never really thought how that would make someone feel or that I would be the one in those shoes.

So, after numerous attempts of different fertility treatment, months and months of waiting and watching what seems like everyone around me get pregnant, I am exhausted.  I am exhausted from being hopeful, exhausted from processing, exhausted from waiting, exhausted from dealing with bitterness, exhausted from every aspect of this journey and this is where I sit.  No new recipes or dinner parties on the calendar but just doing my best to deal with the hand I have been dealt.

I am so thankful for tablenosh and the joy that cooking and people have brought to me over the past few years and I certainly hope that my Nosh dinners and kitchen experiments are not over, just on pause...


Abbe Macbeth said...

Leila, I am so sorry to hear about your and Pete's difficulty in conceiving. I have a very good friend who had similar difficulties, so I at least know through her how hard it can be. I'm sorry that I don't have a personal anecdote to add. Please know that your friends and those who love you are here to listen, and lend a supporting shoulder.

Ell said...

Proud of you for sharing your heartache so publicly. Always praying xo

Aimee said...

Praying for you my friend. Thanks for sharing so honestly.

Dawn Merz said...

This is such a beautiful post. Thanks for sitting down at your table and sharing such a personal slice of your life and heart. As always, it is a true gift. Praying for miracles.

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